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September 3rd, 2010

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04:35 am - Karaoke Suicide
Alcohol is a hell of a drug. Ask anyone who's every gotten drunk. Side effects include loss of motor skills, doubled vision, speech impairment, inability to operate heavy machinery, inability to make reasonable decisions, and at the other end of the scale, death. As a depressant, alcohol could also lead to suicide. However, suicide can come in many forms, and as an advocate for life, i am appealing (and possibly ostracizing myself from my friend's list) to not commit what is now known as "karaoke suicide". This is defined as any "karaoke-related" action completed under the influence of alcohol that helps perpetuate any or every drunken karaoke stereotype featured from the following list of twenty-five "flagged" songs. Please, say NO to karaoke suicide and ridicule anyone who ever commits such atrocities. Only you can prevent drunken karaoke.

THE LIST (in order, as follows):

25. Lean On Me - Bill Withers: Everyone knows and loves this song, however, the singer (from here on shall be known as the "Offender") only uses this song for a group singalong. The irony is that the main Offenders include the military. I'll let you figure that one out.

24. Strawberry Wine - Deana Carter: I'll admit it. I don't know why every woman within drinking age picks this song. I'll let it remain an enigma, no matter how annoying it is.

23. Your Song - Elton John: Sure, it's a sweet song and it's a great love song. However, no one loves public displays of affection, so, quit singing it like you wrote the damn thing!

22. What's Up - Four Non Blondes: I find it funny that most of the women who sing this ARE BLONDE. What's funnier is that 99% percent aren't even 25.

21. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston: Just because it's iconic doesn't mean that you can butcher it. STOP IT!!!

20. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion: Another prime example of why we should all blame Canada, when in doubt. Every time you sing it, the boat sinks further to Hell. God's not pleased.

19. Family Tradition - Hank Williams, Jr.: If you're in a bar, we don't need to reiterate (i.e. the "Call and Reponse" style of singing) why you drink, smoke, or live by the songs SOMEONE ELSE wrote.

18. Turn The Page - Bob Seger: The Offender in question always expresses a general feeling of loneliness as conveyed by the song's message. This is a silent tactic that is only picked up on by, how shall we say, inebriated middle-aged women past their prime. Offender beware. Not every bar is named Coyote Ugly.

17. You Never Even Call Me By My Name - David Allen Coe: Another Call and Response song, in the same vein as song numbers 25 and 19. The Offender only sings this song to gain some type of general mindless response from his/her audience. Big faux pas, Offender.

16. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice: The obligatory rap song. Everybody has either taken part of this suicide or has a close friend who has committed this atrocity. Unlike the Call and Response song, this song falls under the dreaded singalong. Punishable by death.

15. I Touch Myself - The Divinyls: We get it. You're horny. No need to announce it to the entire bar. Just bend over and charge admission.

14. God Bless The U.S.A. - Lee Greenwood: This entry will probably get me lynched. I personally don't have a problem with patriotism. I love my country. But, to think that you need to express your undying love through song is completely self -indulgent. Egotism need not apply.

13. Bitch - Meredith Brooks: Men suck. You've been fucked over. We get it. Move along now.

12. Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond: Nothing but love for Jewish Elvis, but a drunken chorale of "So good... so good... so good..." falls on deaf ears, everytime.

11. You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin - The Righteous Brothers: Go watch Top Gun. It works in that movie. On a side note, stay away from guys who introduce themselves as "Maverick".

10. Me and Bobby Mcgee - Janis Joplin: It's fitting to start the top ten with this song. Every female Offender attempts this song at some point in their lives. The two things they all have in common? They're not Janis and they fail miserably.

9. Wanted Dead Or Alive - Bon Jovi: The great state of New Jersey, where cowboys, loaded six-strings, and a million faces being "rocked" never originated. What better way for an Offender to state the rebellious ways. Excuse me while i gag.

8. Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler: Because somewhere out there, there's an Offender that "fucking needs you now, tonight". Not only that, they "fucking need you more than ever". A panty-wetter, if there ever was one. God damn singalongs...

7. You Oughta know - Alanis Morrisette: See song number 13. 'Nuff said.

6. Friends in Low Places - Garth Brooks: Here's a quick sobriety test. If you find yourself singing along with the Offender, it's time to call a cab.

5. Love Shack - The B-52's: Here's a fun drinking game. Drink every time some drunk asshole fucks up the Fred Schneider part. Works every time.

4. Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-A-Lot: I love the way that white people thinks that just because they've been singing this song since the 3rd grade, they think that they can rap. You can call me an asshole, but my grandmother knows the words to this song. You're not special just because you can do this song without looking at the karaoke monitor. Just because it was cute some twenty years ago doesn't mean it's cute now. Dr. Kevorkian will see you now...

3. Summer Nights - Grease soundtrack: This song should be number one because it hits the trifecta: call and response, singalong, and it's a duet. However, there's a special place in hell for this song and the musical it comes from. This song turned John Travolta into a Scientologist. This song turned Olivia Newton-John into "Who the hell is Olivia Newton-John"? This song turned Jeff Conaway towards cocaine, alcohol, painkillers, and other addictive substances. And finally, this songs turns the stomachs of everyone within earshot.

2. Picture - Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow: No comment. The Voldemort of the karaoke world.

And finally...

1. Don't Stop Believin - Journey: It may be the Number One downloaded song on iTunes, but a million bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, sorority parties, military R&R parties, baby showers, graduation parties, bar mitsvahs, bat mitsvahs, birthday parties, and every other party with twenty people gathered around one microphone and screaming these lyrics at the top of their collective lungs, CAN INDEED BE WRONG! I'm convinced that Steve Perry developed a brain tumor BECAUSE of every drunk and tone-deaf motherfucker and their cousin singing this song. What's worse than a group of people singing this song? The ENTIRE bar singing along with them! Somebody please show these lemmings a cliff to jump from...

(6 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:September 4th, 2010 12:13 am (UTC)
First, I have not seen you post in a while. That being said, "Hello." Two, I laughed through all of this. Thank you, I needed that.
[User Picture]
Date:September 6th, 2010 08:00 am (UTC)
You are my hero Joey... when you're not being a raging asshole. :-)
[User Picture]
Date:September 6th, 2010 10:49 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I've seen all of these karaoke suicide songs done and done poorly. Thankfully, I only have one friend whom I've seen violate your list.
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